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Tuesday, November 20th, 2001
11:08 pm - Once Around The Block

I haven't updated this in a while, and I guess the main reason for that is because I am afraid I really have nothing interesting to say. Other people have cool pics to post and wacky experiences to talk about, and all I have to post about is the quiet reflection I've been doing over the past few weeks.

I don't know if this is one of those 'soul-searching' things, because I personally don't like that word. But I have come to realise a lot of things. I have realised that I am not a great person, I am not a bad person and the reason I am torturing myself daily is because I can't decide which one I want to be.

Ultimately, I probably have done more bad than good. When the time comes to calculate my karma debts, I'll have to pay a lot back. I have wronged a lot of people, and yet I have held some undeserving ones in high esteem. I can't seem to get it into my head that everyone deserves to be treated equally. I really am elitist and snooty when it comes to choosing whether to like or dislike people, and I get angry when other people openly do the same thing.

That's another thing; I get angry too easily. I get angry when someone interrupts me, I get angry when someone doesn't pay attention to me, I sulk when someone 'leaves me out of things'. Many of my dear friends have more than bore the brunt of this several times. I keep getting upset with them because they don't reach the high expectations I've set for them, and this is not their fault at all.

I guess the main problem with me is that I think of myself as being someone who is open-minded, tolerant and fair when I really am not. Bad stuff keeps happening to me all the time: I lose my friends, I flunk important tests and I let golden opportunities slip by me all the time. I often get angry and try to blame someone else whenever I can, and yet I still keep wondering what I am doing wrong.

The thing is, once you're able to identify some of your flaws and your weaknesses, what do you do? Do you try to change, and become someone you can't even recognise? Man, that's being a doormat. I honestly don't know what to do, because I can't go on being like this. I've been lucky enough to have some people point out my flaws to me, and if I go back to being that callous human being who continues to hurt other people, then their efforts would have been in vain.

So, this entry is not to try and please anybody. I am just saying sorry if I have hurt you, belittled you, judged you, lied to you, distrusted you, betrayed you, neglected you or expected too much of you. I could go through an entire list: Lauren, Mariah, Vero, Jai, Sara, Annie, Angela, Teresa, Stacy, Em, Dani, Gabriella, Kira, Ody, Steph, AmyK, Ath, Jen (BiGeorgia), Brie, Snow, the *NXS girls, Cyd, Halo, Zaen and so many more people.

I've listed you because I was once close to you and I may have lost you, or I may have been in fleeting contact with you and never responded, or I have done you some great injustice, or I am close to you now and you're putting up with all my crap. It may sound cliche as hell but each of you has had a direct effect on my life, and it has pointed me in the direction I am going in today. We may rekindle ties or we may never speak again, but that's fine with me because you gave me a good bunch of memories and it's more than enough to store in my memory, and to renew my faith in people.

And of course, last but not least, to my friend Bene who has seen the ugly side and not-so-ugly side of me, and is still sticking around for some obscure reason (or for 150,000 Belgian dollars.) Thank you for doing so much for me, and for putting up with me, and for being one of the rarest, truest friends I ever had.

To everyone else, thanks for teaching me a lot of things I have yet to learn properly. All of you have qualities I admire in you and it will definitely leave an impression on me (I know I sound like a kiss-ass, but I swear I'm not!) I won't be posting in this journal anymore and I don't think that will be a great loss to anyone, honestly. I have been posting in this journal for all the wrong reasons, and as a result have represented myself as someone I am not. I'll still bug some of you, but in the meantime, cheerio :)

I never meant to cause you trouble
I never meant to do you wrong
If I ever caused you trouble
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm. - Coldplay

current mood: peaceful

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Friday, November 2nd, 2001
11:35 pm - A Glorious Nov 2nd!

Thank you for teaching me about friendship, tolerance, patience, humility and just how crafty Europeans really are. You rock harder than Jean-Claude Van Damme in a pair of leather pants. Have a good one, my crafty paisan.

current mood: excited
Friday, October 12th, 2001
12:24 am - 'Thunk you veddy much.' - Andy Kaufman

Man, this has been an absolutely sweet birthday, and all of you are largely responsible for making me giddy and delirious with all those birthday wishes. If LJ did indeed let all those wishes come true, then I'd have an endless supply of snarky comments, naked Nsync members, a trip to Seaworld, a sexy cook named Jamie and a whole slew of sex slaves at my bidding. What more can a twisted freak of nature like moi ask for? :)

Well seriously, thank you so much! It's overwhelming. I'd better go now; the sex slaves are rattling their chains.

current mood: grateful

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Saturday, October 6th, 2001
10:46 pm - My Funny Robot And Me
So I went to take the 'Which Robot Are You?' test Ath took, because I sold my soul to The Bandwagon for a Mars Bar.

Click here to find out what robot you really are

LOL. I mean, dude. Al Gore? Hee hee hee. 'Boring Monotonous Politician'. Sure isn't far from the truth (although the last time I saw him, he looked like a hippie when being interviewed by CNN.)

current mood: amused

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Sunday, September 30th, 2001
3:02 am - What A Man, What A Man....

So this is nowhere near Gabriella's mad wallpaper skillz, but Bene sent me this great picture of the Elf-man, and it was so utterly adorable that I tweaked it into a wallpaper. I'm not too sure if anyone wants it, but just in case, y'know. If it looks funny or anything, I would appreciate a good scolding. So fire away!

current mood: hungry

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Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
10:42 pm - When You Are Away, My Heart Unravels Like A Ball Of Yarn

What can I say to the overwhelmingly kind people who responded to my last, incredibly whiny post? Well, here's what I can say: thank you.

It's easy to assume that the concern of other people is fleeting, and a hug has to be let go of sometime. But that's not the point, man. The point is knowing that someone took time out of their day to leave you a comment or send you an email, and that they were worried about you, even if it was temporary. I think it's a shame that the milk of human kindness often gets overlooked, or taken advantage of.

So thank you for commenting, emailing, IM-ing, hugging, biting and lapdancing. You're seriously a great bunch of people, and may Howie smite those who make you feel the way I did.

current mood: optimistic

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Wednesday, September 19th, 2001
9:44 pm - I'm Empty And Aching And I Don't Know Why
I don't know what's wrong with me recently, but I do know I have to fix it somehow or it's going to make my life worse than it already is. Gosh, where do I even start?

For starters, I've been avoiding everyone I know, except for my mother and Bene, bless them. I really have not been calling my real-life friends at all. Everytime my cell phone rings, I get really pissed off. The emotion scares me; it's a huge rush of fury and annoyance and I hurry to think of an excuse to get off the phone before I even pick it up.

If I'm that paranoid about the phone, then you can imagine what a Zsa Zsa Gabor I am in social situations.

Heh. What social situations? I've been isolating myself from everyone. Half of the time, I'm glad for the solitude and the rest of the time, I just feel like people must really hate me. I keep thinking: what have I done? Am I really such a terrible person? And the answer is yes. I'm terrible at returning calls, remembering birthdays, replying to emails and organising any social function. I always expect someone else to have the initiative, and it drives me crazy when they receive my mixed signals and they leave me alone.

I really don't know what I want, what's wrong with me, and I don't even know who I really am.

I suppose it's that identity crisis we're supposed to go through in our late teens. I'm going to turn twenty soon, and I already feel so old, but NOT wise. I'm alternating between periods of self-contentment and self-deploration.

It somehow comforts me to remember that other people are going through this, but maybe without the anti-social bit. It's just horrible to feel so awfully jaded (argh, here comes Aerosmith) and to feel so cynical. Maybe I'm just looking out for myself and trying to prevent myself from getting hurt again. But it still sucks because I end up shutting everyone out. Not that they mind anyway.

Man, this is where I thank God for music. My interest in it has dropped sharply to the point where it dismays me because it has always been my sole companion in my darkest times. Even now, it seems to be leaving me? Geez.

So, to the few people reading this, I'm very sorry. I don't mean to shut you out. I have no idea why you would want to be friends with me, and I'm surprised you're sticking around. I'm not saying that to dig around for sympathy, but I'm truly amazed you can put up with my bitterness, self-centeredness and anti-socialness. I love you very much, but I just can't bring myself to say it. You don't deserve that.

And there are some of you who betrayed me. You will never know it, not even on your deathbed, and I'm disappointed in you. You're the ones I gave and gave to, and you never gave a damn. Because of you, I neglected the other percentage of people who genuinely cared about me. Thanks a lot.

To the rest of you - you're angels. You're the reason I still have that 50% of self-contentment, and you're the reason I just feel confused most of the time, and not borderline depressed or anything like that. I'm sorry for not replying to your emails and returning your calls. I truly love you, just give me time to catch up and breathe.

Man, that was one sappy entry. Sorry if it made anyone iffy.

current mood: confused

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Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
1:02 am - Everything's Not Lost
I realised something today. You don't have to be American to burst into tears when you see those planes crashing into the WTC towers.

The only good thing to come out of this is that I hope everyone realises how easy it is to lose someone, and that we should put aside all differences, shake hands and be thankful that we still have each other.

current mood: numb

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Tuesday, September 11th, 2001
12:25 am - IconSpotting Part I
So I was browsing through my Friends page, and I realised that some people have really kickass icons. Some people may say it's an unhealthy obsession, but I personally find it tonnes of fun. It only kicks in when I find a quirky pic, so eh.

As a result, I went IconSpotting. This is Part 1. More terrific people and their notable icons will follow shortly. Completely random, y'all.


CJ Marlowe








current mood: dorky

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Sunday, September 9th, 2001
12:19 am - Andy, Did You Hear About This One?

So Gabbo has infected me with her REM enthusiasm. I've been listening to so much good 'old' music lately. REM, Depeche Mode, U2.....Does anyone else wish they had been born in a different decade?

On a less wistful note, I have the urge to write today (God help us all!) I played this little thing I named Gretchen's Game, where I watch MTV and swear to write a story -any story- based on the next video that plays. Well, Gretchee did it with the radio, and she came up with something beautiful. But I don't listen to radio (those fudgepackers threw underwear at Coldplay onstage!) so MTV was the natural choice.

Guess which song played next?

current mood: dorky

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Thursday, September 6th, 2001
12:29 am - You Sussed Me Out, Didn't You?

Can someone help me out here? Crafty and I discussed this to death, and I asked my mother for her opinion too. Their vote was unanimous, but I want to stick to my belief in my usual pig-headed manner.

In your opinion, is this a bear, or a lion?

For some reason, I am fascinated by this picture if it is indeed a bear. But I find my level of interest waning when others insist it's a lion. And I have absolutely no idea why. I'm weird like that.

current mood: sick

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Monday, September 3rd, 2001
2:20 am - Last Call For Bandwagon Airlines Flight 666

So I had planned to make my Sunday eventful, but all I did was recuperate from Friday. Man, WOMAD was an amazing festival. It's great that the music scene is starting to spark up since Coldplay and Travis came.

Man, I'm so stoned by this new Depeche Mode WinAmp skin I downloaded. I just had to be an idiot and show off, so here's what it looks like:

And now, it's survey time. I'm certain I fell off the bandwagon when I was young, and got hit on the head by a stray pumpkin. Ah well.

If I could, I would give everyone these albums:
- Homogenic by Bjork
- Parachutes by Coldplay
- Relationship Of Command by At The Drive-In
- No Strings Attached by *NSYNC
- Hello Nasty by the Beastie Boys
- Music For The Masses by Depeche Mode
- Dog Man Star by Suede
- OK Computer by Radiohead

If I could, I would give everyone these books:
- Different Seasons by Stephen King
- Switch Bitch by Roald Dahl
- The World Of Nagaraj by R.K. Narayan
- Welcome To The Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut

If I could, I would give everyone these movies:
- The Shawshank Redemption
- Unbreakable
- Man On The Moon
- Can't Hardly Wait
- Office Space

And if I could, I would watch these t.v. shows with you:
- Whose Line Is It Anyway?
- The Simpsons
- That's My Bush
- Daria

And also, am I the only one with the phobia of Zero-LJ-Commentas Syndrome? Heh heh, I'm such a dweeb.

current mood: amused

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Thursday, August 30th, 2001
12:27 am - Lines I Shouldn't Have Crossed

Have you ever felt so torn between two groups of friends, to the point where it feels like your loyalty is going to split into a million different directions?

current mood: worried

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Friday, August 24th, 2001
2:25 am - It's Gravy, Baby

Firstly, I'm so glad to announce I've finally finished moving my site to Velvet-Star. Once you finish rolling your eyes at the extent of my laziness, you can find the site here:

And also, I made an icon for the lurvely Jai who 'loves' Joey like nothing else.

Yeah, there's a bit of Joey lovin' for everybody and a bag of chips. And also, the results for that Nine Facts, One Lie thing. Congrats to Vero who got it right, and wins a trip to the Bahamas! Well, not really.

1) I can play every instrument except the guitar.
Okay, this statement was totally unintended to sound arrogant. But this statement is true for most instruments in general. I used to be in the school band so I bullied my friends into teaching me how to play every instrument in there. At best, I can play a shaky scale on any brass, wind and string instrument. In other words, what I was trying to say is that I'm a putz because I can't play the guitar when everyone else can.

2) My friends and I were at a Singaporean Pizza Hut, and we sat next to these four white guys. We didn't realise they were No Authority until they got up and left.
True! My friend was about to ask for their autograph, but they slipped through our fingers. Damned slippery boybands.

3) I wrote an essay about my wonky English teacher who believed he was Macbeth. I basically called him 'fucking crazy' and won a national essay competition for it.
Sigh, once again I sound arrogant but I'm more amazed than anything else that I got away with public slander. The strangest thing is, my teacher came up to me later, reprinted the story and said, "Thanks." Eh. So yes, this is true.

4) I was in a car accident where my dad parked his car by the roadside and went to get battery water. A man on a Harley fell asleep and crashed into our car.
True. The thing is, how the hell do you fall asleep on a Harley?

5) I was with my best friend at a bus-stop at 3am, and I saw a ghost dressed in black while she saw one dressed in white. Neither of us saw the other ghost.
VERY true. I don't even want to think about it, yeesh. And I still pass by that bus-stop everyday!

6) At one time, I was the proud owner of 23 hamsters.
True! At first there were 3, then there were 7, then 12, then...you get the idea.

7) When I was young, I believed fervently I would grow up to be Nicole Kidman.
How lame am I going to look when I swear on the chest of Wok that this is true? Sigh.

8) I have some crappy poetry published in a book.
True. Ooooh, let's not go there.

9) One of my ex-boyfriends used to wear a huge black cape when we went out on dates.
FALSE. He didn't wear a huge black cape, he wore a huge purple cape. Okay, I'm just kidding. He wore some weird stuff, but an Andy Warhol tie was the limit.

10) Weird 'Al' Yankovic gave me serious nightmares when I was young.
As Gabbo said, who didn't get serious nightmares from that guy?

current mood: Alf-hungry

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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
12:08 am - How Many TG Members Does It Take To Count Lights?

Got this from Stef who got this from the entire population of Bandwagonland.

1. Open up your CD player, what's inside?:
Hello Nasty by the Beastie Boys. Booya.

2. Look in your VCR/DVD player, is there a movie?:
I just watched Can't Hardly Wait and a couple of Depeche Mode videos. Hey Sara and Dani: "I am a sex machine!"

3. If there happens to be music playing right now, what is it?:
A super long remix of A Question Of Time by Depeche Mode, where a fluffy-haired man keeps singing in my ear.

4. What are you wearing?:
Nothing but a smile. Okay okay, I'm just kidding. I DO wear pants, dammit!

5. Look down, what's the first thing that catches your eye?:
All the dead hamsters I had tried to scan previously, thanks to Bene.

6. Turn on your TV if it's not on already, what network is it?:
Are you giving me orders?

7. Look out the window, what's the weather like?
Really dark and gloomy, because it's past midnight and it's the beginning of the Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival. No, I'm not kidding.

8. If you were to hit redial on your phone right now, where would it call?:
The cafe near my office, where there's a delivery boy who looks like Alan Wilder. I think I'm in love :)

9. Say "hello?" out loud, did anyone answer?:
My mum just said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" because it's midnight and I've been giggling and making strange noises for some time.

10. What are you planning on doing next as soon as you get offline?
Say something sarcastic.

And there's the list of Five Celebs You'd Sleep With, gacked from Stef and Ghetto Greta.

5. Hugh Jackman. A whole bundle of Aussie cuteness.

4. Joaquin Phoenix. Oooooh yeah, Wokalicious.

3. Lance. Whatever happened to the Spazz lovin'?

2. Chris Martin, Coldplay singer (bug-eyed sexiness)

1. Alan Wilder, former Depeche Mode member (woah, shocker)

God. This man literally eclipses the other four sometimes. But like I told Jai, it's too bad he has a personality of an avocado.

Also, mighty congratulations to:
- Kira for finally hopping onto the LJ bandwagon. A wonky welcome to you!

- the ever-lovely Jai for getting her evilness hired.

- the ever-quirky Helen Stagie for getting into a UK college, and bearing the brunt of my extreme envy :)

- the ever-lucky Lauren for getting to see The Bots in action soon. Sigh.

- the ever-schweet Sara for having met Mr. B so many times. Girl, all I can say is: leather pants, leather pants (I seem to have a preoccupation with pants, don't I?)

- the ever-crafty Bene for narrowly missing my evil attack on IM today. Hmph.

current mood: naughty

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Monday, August 20th, 2001
6:45 am - Welcome To Bandwagon Airlines

This is too interesting a bandwagon to pass up. Nine Facts, One Lie. My life is incredibly boring, so I had to think really hard for these. Everyone else's lives have been so interesting! Eh, well here are mine.

1) I can play every instrument except the guitar.

2) My friends and I were at a Singaporean Pizza Hut, and we sat next to these four white guys. We didn't realise they were No Authority until they got up and left.

3) I wrote an essay about my wonky English teacher who believed he was Macbeth. I basically called him 'fucking crazy' and won a national essay competition for it.

4) I was in a car accident where my dad parked his car by the roadside and went to get battery water. A man on a Harley fell asleep and crashed into our car.

5) I was with my best friend at a bus-stop at 3am, and I saw a ghost dressed in black while she saw one dressed in white. Neither of us saw the other ghost.

6) At one time, I was the proud owner of 23 hamsters.

7) When I was young, I believed fervently I would grow up to be Nicole Kidman.

8) I have some crappy poetry published in a book.

9) One of my ex-boyfriends used to wear a huge black cape when we went out on dates.

10) Weird 'Al' Yankovic gave me serious nightmares when I was young.

current mood: productive

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Friday, August 17th, 2001
8:16 pm - Your Eyes Are Like Black Spiders

It's so great to have our Craftiest Foreigner back, I haven't been able to stop fidgeting since she came back. Bene, you're apparently bad for my health.

Like someone we all know and love, I will now obsessively talk about clubbing, and how hip and happening and groovy it is. Never mind the irony that it will show me up as terribly desperate for people to like me; I will write about clubbing and stealing random things, dammit!

Clubbing is fun. There is a lack of baby seals in Singapore, and they often waddle too fast for me to club them properly. Nasty, cunning little things. Therefore, I can't do much clubbing, but I will talk about it obsessively in my journal. Tomorrow, please remind me to steal something from K-Mart.

All sarcasm aside, there will be a Depeche Mode night at Insomia in a few hours. I'm looking forward to that, especially the bit where I make an ass of myself when doing Strangelove karaoke. Should I buy a whole load of cotton candy and pile it on top of my head? Jai?

And for fellow melancholy music-lovers, you ought to check out this new band called Elbow. Their single Powder Blue breaks my heart, but at the same time it reminds me of another song. Gabbo? I know how much you like Pete Yorn, you should try these fellas.

And also, thank you for not laughing your asses off at the pics I posted. And no, my hand wasn't on his ass, yo.

current mood: excited

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Monday, August 13th, 2001
3:03 am - Come On And Kick Me

Gosh, I didn't realise I've been rather depressed partly because Bene has been gone. I miss that crafty little tosspot.

I finally had a good look at my copy of Celebrity. I didn't realise we had bonus tracks until I talked to Jai about it a few days ago. They are That Girl (Will Never Be Mine), Falling and Do Your Thing. Boy, Kirkpatrick sure can write. And he's a darned handsome foo' too.

Oh, and for anyone who still wants to cop a laugh at my sneaky mug-shot, this is a shot of me with the Coldplay singer, Chris Martin. He looks terrified, and I don't blame him.

I just love this bug-eyed bugger. And no, I will resist all urges to slash the poor innocent man.

Speaking of bug-eyed, did anyone catch Carson Daly's livejournal? It rocks the casbah, man.

current mood: working feverishly on site

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Monday, August 6th, 2001
11:46 pm - Please Don't Laugh!
So this is the story of how badly I manage my time. I was supposed to upload my site yesterday, but I suddenly switched back to a Lance/JC theme I had previously contemplated. I was also supposed to put up the horrendously long Coldplay/Travis review and pictures, but the scans screwed up so I'm left with nothing but a bag of frustration. Eh.

But I promised the rest of Da Gang that they would see my sneaky mugshot today, so I thought I might as well post it here for a good laugh. Please excuse the perpetual smirk on my face.

current mood: anxious

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Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
12:42 am - Gratitude, Not Attitude

Before you read what I have to say, please read this rant at CABS:

How To Piss A Writer Off With Your Feedback

Read it? Good. I can now say that it's the biggest crock of bullshit I've ever read.

Dear Bohemia, people don't owe you anything - especially feedback. The day you start criticizing people for taking time out of their daily lives to email you and tell you they loved something you wrote is the day you lose all sense of consideration for other human beings.

It may be cliche as hell, but you write because your brain will be eaten alive by plot bunnies if you don't. You do it because you cannot help it, not because you expect to find 15 long, gushy emails in your Inbox tomorrow morning. If you find yourself complaining that people aren't sending you longer emails full of praise, then maybe it's time you stop questioning your readers, and it's definitely time you start questioning yourself.

You keep saying that the only reason you'd only want to read slash is because it's fun, and it's a hobby. I couldn't agree more. I abide by Lois's motto that if writing slash ever stops being fun, she will stop. It then amazes me how you would want to turn around and suck the fun out of reading your stories by demanding that your readers send you more than a one-liner email because you deserve it, dammit.

Please, get off your high horse because you're breaking the poor thing's back with the weight of your huge, huge EGO.

Someone said this about Bohemia. This is funny.

This is also hilarious.

Thank you, Jai for pointing me in the direction of the above links, and also for everything else, you tosspot.

current mood: aggravated

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